The other day, she almost DIED! I was at a hotel in NY because I had an appointment with my customer the next morning. Usually, she calls me by 7pm or 8pm at the latest. I had already left her several messages by then. She didn't call me until 9pm!!! (though I'm sure it was more like 8:45pm) I was so close to calling my customer to cancel my appointment and go find her. Now to teach her a lesson, I will not leave her voice mail during the day anymore. No more gay, sappy, messages for you now, missy. And trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Oh, not to mention the freakin' bird thinks he's a bat.

I have a cold.

Don't forget to play that gay billy joel song at my funeral.

Now, to explain today's title... did you know that it is bad luck to point at the moon? It makes your ears crack. I am a fairly skeptical person (psssh, I wish- I believe anything anyone says)...so I didn't believe it and pointed at the moon. Then...BOOM! The next day, my ears were cracked! Any smart person would stop by now, right? But no, I can't seem to stop. I think my ears are gonna fall off.

My bird hates me.

So we got the bird. He turned out to be a psycho bird. Attacks me for no reason. Other than I am hardly at home and he doesn't get the proper attention he needs and that I took his precious millet treat away from him because I go on a power trip.

My skill crane collection has gotten a lot bigger.

Bastard's still alive.

This prostitute hit on me today at K-Mart. Well, I don't know if she wanted me to pay...but she did bend down to show me her leopard g-string undie. Boy was that hot, when I pictured it on a guy's ass, that is.

The trip was great. My girlfriend didn't piss me off too much. Psh, she thought I was paranoid about the weather. What she didn't realize was that we were in TORNADO alley. We were in West Illinois, Iowa, and Nebraska for god's sake! I mean...we almost died!!! That is...if there was a tornado, which there wasn't. But that's not the point, if there was a tornado, we could have died!!! Thanks to me and my constant watch of the weather channel (and NO, not because I have the hots for the Iowa weather guy), we didnt run into any rain, hail, snow, or whatever. I should get a medal or something. I mean...we almost DIED!!! And to top it off, when we got back- I was clearly not over the whole tornado thing, I sent my girlfriend an article about how CO gets tornados too. OH MY GOD, I just realized something...we were in CO for 5 days, WE ALMOST DIED!!!!

We arrived at Denver one day early. But let me tell you, when we entered CO from NB, I was scared that we were in the wrong state. The mountains weren't visible. What was annoying was my girlfriend kept tapping me on the shoulder asking "where are the mountains?" I mean MY GOD WOMAN, just put your head on my lap and go to sleep!! Which she did, but mostly on our way back from CO. I told her that I enjoyed it because I wanted her to wake up and we'd be in a different state- though what I really meant was- I enjoyed people who were passing by thinking she was doing something to me (wink, wink) while I was driving. Hey, I'm not a lucky guy- that was the closest I could get to the real thing.

Anyway, we spent three days in Denver. I have never seen so many booze stores in my life. Denver is beautiful, no, not because of the booze (or maybe?). I want to move to the Denver zoo. You see, I have fallen in love with the rhinosaurus- please don't tell my girlfriend. We went to Black-eyed Pea for lunch. It was yummy. I felt particularly attracted to our waitress. There was just something about her smoker's raspy voice with a New Yorker's accent. But let me tell you, there's nothing like a spiky pink hair on a 60 something year old woman. Or maybe I felt more attracted to the regular who was sitting to the table beside me. She was very patriotic. Nothing like a larger woman dressed in blue, red, and white USA outfit with matching earings. I tried asking her out by asking her where was the best place to watch some fireworks (it was july 4th). She shrugged me off though. Woman like that are usually players anyway. I'd probably have ended up with my heart broken.

After Denver, we went to the Rocky Mountain National Park. I couldn't stop talking about the elevation. I mean, Mt. Washington is like 8000ft high and our campground was already 9000ft high. We were higher up than Mt. Washington!! Not to mention there were higher mountains around us. Can you imagine how high the rocky mountains are?? They were at least twice as high! OMG, I can't breath...they were TWICE as high!! Did I mention I get easily winded?

Camping was pretty successful thanks to my girlfriend. She pretty much set up our tent and everything else. I should get credit for getting the camp fire started though. Actually, that wouldn't be fair, the charcoal fuel should get the credit. We went to a local grocery store near by the park that had a cute store manager (blonde, tall, muscular- MREOWWW). I think he liked me. He gave me a free charcoal grill and some wooden skewer sticks. Incidently, he had the same name as my boss- coincedence? I think not! The campfood was great. We had burgers, corn on the cobs, hot dogs, kebabs, bacon mushroom omlettes, you name it! My girlfriend was a great cook. First night sleeping in the tent wasn't so great though. It got so cold I kept pulling the blanket for myself. I also kept waking her up in the middle of the night. I made her come out with me because I had to pee and I was too afraid there might be bears or something. The next night wasn't so bad. We bought another sleeping bag and a blanket. I slept pretty good actually.

We left the park a day earlier than we had planned. Mainly because I didn't want to get up at like 6 am in the morning to pack. We stayed at a place called Anwanna (or something) in CO. We were pretty hungry that night and decided to go to a place called The Purple Onion because I thought it sounded cute. What we didn't know that it was a strip bar (or at least it looked like one). I wanted to go in anyway (yeah, baby) but my girlfriend didn't want to. So we drove 30 some miles to go to Hardees. Which turned out okay because these three large men sat beside us even though the whole place was empty. I caught one of the guys winking at me. I kinda liked it. MREOWWWW.

Our trip back was sort of depressing. I didn't want our vacation to be over. We tried to have as much fun as we could. We stopped at all the service areas on our way. You see, on our way to Colorado, we won some stuffed animals on those skill crane machine things. We had already won a pink unicorn (my personal favourite), a pink pig, cookie monster, a monkey, superman, and a clown (my second personal favourite). They had to be packed away because the Jeep was too crowded with other things already. I told my girlfriend superman could stay out front with us (I made it look like I was doing her a favour but I wanted him too). So seeing as though Sup was lonely, I suggested to get a boyfriend for him. We eventually found a machine that had the Hulk in NY. When I saw it- I was thinking "forget superman, I'm having the hulk for myself! MREOWW." When we got it, I told my girlfriend that we had to get Betty Boop because Sup needed a girl to spice things up with his relationship with Hulk. But secretly, I wanted the Hulk for myself. Then I caught an eye of the Green Goblin. He was sooooooo hot. And it wasn't coincedence that he was get-able either. It was meant to be. Those crane things are usually hard to play. When we finished, I wasn't satisfied. I wanted more. I was hooked. I was addicted! I needed a fix fast. So we stopped at more service areas. That night we ended up with two more- the Dare Devil and a token minority guy. It was the longest night of my life.

We got home that night at 3 AM in the morning because there were no hotels to stay overnight. I never want to do that again. I can't even describe it, just two words to remember: silent night.

P.S. Here's another highlight of the trip worth mentioning: we went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland- can I just say MREOWWWWWWW at Elton John's bird costume?

Today I left my girlfriend all alone because I felt the need to get out of the house (actually, I just wanted to get away from her). I bought some lawn chairs that costs $22 each. I got all mad though because when I told my girlfriend she didn't sound too excited enough. Yeah, I like to that.

This morning I bought some stickers for my Jeep (yeah, baby). Did I mention I HATE tacky stickers on people's cars?

I like to pee.

Today, he went back home. I didn't drive him to the airport. Got someone else to. I don't know what I am going to do. I haven't even told my girlfriend yet. What if she leaves me for this? Just my luck I bet she will. Oh god. What do I do??

On a lighter note (assuming my girlfriend won't leave me), we are starting our vacation in a week after tomorrow! I can't wait. It's all I ever talk about when I am not jacking off. Oh wait, I still talk about when I jack off. Yeah, baby.

Tomorrow I will be home. Phew. Nothing like jacking off at my own home.

(Disclaimer: I made up that whole thing about my boss making a move on me. He didn't and I don't think he would ever ((that's just sick)). But I am glad you read it ;) The lesbian chick was real though. And they did hum to the Cheryl Crow/Kid Rock song. Shudder.)

Tonight, I am spending the night at my friend's house. That's why I am ignoring my girlfriend all night. Makes me feel manly. The good news is I get to spend time with my friend's dog. He likes to smell my butt. We think he's gay. He's a stupid dog.

I had a phone date with this guy I work with. I ignored my girlfriend for him. He deserves me more than my girlfriend does. He's taking me to a baseball game next month. Yeah baby!

I am in a bad mood tonight. I'm very needy. I am feeling very needy. I have no idea why though. The good news is I bought some pants tonight. I got 3 pairs of pants and 3 pairs of shorts.

I love Faith Hill. If she knocked on my door one day and asked me to make a baby with her, I SOOOO would.

OH! You know what pissed me off today? I went to Dunkin' Donuts to buy the new lemonade colada (despite that coladas are girly drinks), and they gave me french vanilla. That's like drinking WICKED lard, man. I'm trying to watch my weight (do you think I'm fat?).

I cleaned Bastard's bowl today. He didn't try to kill himself this time.

I love my girlfriend. She's the best thing in the world. I like to get twisted, pulled (my personal favorite), and bopped. It feels so good. Yeah, baby.

Today, I had to spend time with people I hate. I'm not sure why I hate them exactly, they give me good business, but then again, I hate everyone. I can't stop bitching about people. Hey, let's just say it is the best thing I do. Next to peeing and pooping.

When I got home (after I peed), I wasn't ignoring my girlfriend. I was responding an email to my customer. Really. I am thankful to her though that she made me get food the other day. I'm a guy. I don't do responsible things like getting myself food. I just complain that I have no food in the house. Anyways, now I have food to eat. Yay. (I think I got better end of the deal too. Food and jack off.)

Btw, I suck at trivia. I played this game at trivialpursuit.com last night and I completely sucked. I ended up with 1 point in the end (after only answered 2 questions right out of like 30). My girlfriend got like 11000 points.

Well, now I'm gonna ignore my girlfriend and have some cereal.

Actually, I just had a thought. The reason why I couldn't sleep last night was probably because my girlfriend promised to jack me off (by buying myself some food) last night, but she didn't. Doesn't she know that I can't sleep without a jackoff??? I am a GUY after all.

I didn't get to sleep until 5 AM. My girlfriend called at 10:30 AM and I rudely didn't pick up the phone because I was too lazy- I mean- sleepy to reach for it. After all, I did tell her to call me when she wakes up. Whatever.

I did a gay thing today. I went all the way to Staples and bought paper protecter plastics for my Colorado sheets that I printed yesterday. My girlfriend said it was GAY, but she doesn't know that we have to protect the papers. It gets pretty rough with the Jeep (wink, wink). She doesn't know that though. It's a little secret between me and the Jeep. Oh yeaaaaaaah.

My girlfriend ignored me today. I called like 10 times and only left 4 messages. Only 4, that's gotta be a record (usually, I leave like 10 messages). She must be proud.

I was working on my expenses today (it's a thing I have to do once a couple of weeks to get paid for my work expense that I have to pay out of my own pocket). I accidently closed it without saving it first. Work's stressing me out. So I took my St. John's Wort. It was yummy. Anyway, so I was pissed that I lost my expense report. I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time. I hung up with her right away and talked to my friend Steve right away.

I think I need a bath today. I haven't shaved for like a week. A nice soothing oatmeal bath with nicely scented bath oil with the candle burning. Ohhhh yeah. OH! I tried out this new soap called Goat's Milk soap. IT'S THE BEST THING EVER!!!

Now I'm thinking of getting sex slaves out in Colorado (apparently, it's where all the sex slaves are). Maybe we could do it in my Jeep too. Ahhhhhhhh Jeep (yes, I have a secret perverted thing for my Jeep). My Jeep is soooo sharp. I love it when people compliment me on it- "hey man, nice rig"- that just gets me going. It's a red jeep- it's got BIG wheels too. Yeah, baby.

Speaking about babies, I love my Bastard. Although today, I forgot I left him in a small little cup for hours when I was cleaning his bowl. Whoops. No wonder he tried suicides a couple of times- jumped out of the bowl and just recently, threw up his whole digestive system. Poor Bastard, thinks he can get away from me.

Anywho, guess I'm done. Now I'm gonna see if I can get my girlfriend to jack me off.